I know it’s been a few days since I’ve put up one of my world-renowned posts. Yes, they are world-renowned simply because I’ve said so. I fully intend to continue updating this blog as random musings cross my mind or those of my friends (I most definitely will continue to post hilarious chats with them…as that should happen fairly often). I can promise you this though oh...
My man Sauer at his finest
Sauer: so what is the cleanse designed to do to your body?
me: it basically cleans out all of the toxis
it's very good for your liver, sotomach, kidneys and blood
and let's been honest...I've been treating my liver lately like a vegas whore
Sauer: hmmm all of those things within my body could probably use a good cleaning as I have been treating mine like a russian lady of the night and not immigrated I mean I'm in post cold war russia and the only person in the country with currency and looking for a good time kind of lady of the night
Sweet Sweet Victory
So I had this grand plan last night to live blog the last Cashew Milk hoping to share my moment of triumph with the great readers of this young blog. It would be glorious, I would head to the roof of my building and hear cheers across the city as if the Cubs finally took home the championship hardware. Sidebar - I find that MLB: The Show commercial very polarizing. How so you ask? Well allow me: ...
Wednesday - 11:30am
Here we are. The final day. Unfortunately, real world work stuff got in the way so I haven’t been able to post until now so I’m sure you are all salivating with anticipation of the latest update. Without further ado: I’m going to do one combined update since nothing too exciting happened specific the individual juices I’ve thrown down. I’ve already polished off a...
Tuesday - 9:45pm
I must be turning at least a small corner as I don’t feel like I’m 1 beer away from becoming this. Although I must say that the Cashew Milk is mounting a strong second-half push for the top “tastes like ass” spot. At least my old dodgy friends Green and Beet have a faint refreshing quality to them. The milk just sits in my stomach and I swear I can feel it curdling....
So I’ll admit that I’ve slacked a little bit today. It’s been almost 5 hours since I last posted which means I owe the world two juice updates. My sincerest apologies. Let’s get to it. 10:30am Round 2 with the Cayenne Lemonade. It’s official, this is the most palatable of all the juices. That’s probably because it (more or less) tastes like a normal human...
Tuesday - 9:00am
I went to bed last night assuming I wouldn’t wake to see the dawn. All hyperbole aside, last night I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Yet…the sun rose again in spite of my constant bitching and moaning yesterday. Who would have thought? At this point, I have to stroke the ego of the girlfriend at least a little bit. I do feel quite a bit better here on Day 2. Kicked off the day...
Monday - 8:00pm
Welp…day 1 is officially in the books as I just downed the latest and greatest juice: Cashew Milk. Maybe I’m slightly jaded by hunger pains and a strong desire to eat everything in our pantry, refrigerator and garbage…but this last juice basically tastes like mashed up cashews mixed with water and baking soda. Neat. My always right girlfriend claims that the second day is...
I have smart friends
Fortman giving me some real enticing ideas...
me: yeah it's 6 juices a day for 3 days right now....it f*cking sucks...but it's supposed to get better the second day
Fortman: do you feel full and energized with those six or are you hungry and dying on the inside?
Me: more of the latter right now
but that's supposed to happen
tomorrow is SUPPOSED to be better
we shall see
but that's all I've had
that and water
Nick: slip a scoop of protein powder and a 5 hour energy in one and that should get things going
So…a couple of weeks ago, I ordered Girl Scout Cookies from my Office Lead’s daughter. Guess what showed up today? !@%(^)&@^@!$%$%#@!
Monday - 3:15pm
Well we’re well into the heart of darkness now. No turning back once you hit green juice #2. Wait, check that…the only thing doing the hitting is mother f*cking green juice and it hits like semi-truck driven by a clydesdale. What I’ve noticed in my second foray with GJ2 is that there is an insane amount of ginger. Seriously, next time you want a ludicrously...
Monday - 12:30pm
Oh great juicing gods, why have you forsaken me?! It’s lunch time in the office and I’m on the 3rd juice…the “Beet Juice”. In other, more delicate words, this sucks. Here is a sampling of the myriad of smells drifting through the office: Fried food Pad Thai Sandwiches (their origin doesn’t matter, they all smell and look like they came straight from the...
Monday - Morning Hours
So I actually started this idea 4 hours into the cleanse. Need to make up for lost time in this first post. Shall we? 8:30am - Just hit the first drink…”The Green Drink”. Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a nice hot summer day. Your Dad just asked you to mow the lawn. (It’s getting a bit high and the neighbors are pretentious douches who love to complain). Now...
Juicy Juicing - The Kyle Snyder Story
3-Day Juice Cleanse…for some inane reason unbeknownst to me, I have decided to embark on a 72 hour adventure of juicy goodness. Let’s set up the situation. In the days leading up to this Facebook Timeline “Life-Event”, I mentioned my upcoming date with healthiness to number a people. Most of the conversations were of the following varietal: “You know that’s...