I know it’s been a few days since I’ve put up one of my world-renowned posts. Yes, they are world-renowned simply because I’ve said so.
I fully intend to continue updating this blog as random musings cross my mind or those of my friends (I most definitely will continue to post hilarious chats with them…as that should happen fairly often).
I can promise you this though oh faithful reader…I will not write just to write. So that means no generic posts on “how much I enjoy peas”.
Sidebar - I actually strongly dislike peas. I wouldn’t quite say hate, I reserve that for other more worthy (or worthless) foods…looking at you celery. But seriously, aren’t peas basically the red-headed stepchild of vegetables? They are mushy with bland flavor and should just stay in their pods. Just to clarify…this only applies to single pod-less peas. I love me some snow peas in a stir-fry.
There is one exception though. I recently discovered the wonders of making quinoa at home. That little miracle grain is fantastic and I full-well intend on discussing that in the future. You have been forewarned.
Sauer:so what is the cleanse designed to do to your body?
me:it basically cleans out all of the toxis
it's very good for your liver, sotomach, kidneys and blood
and let's been honest...I've been treating my liver lately like a vegas whore
Sauer:hmmm all of those things within my body could probably use a good cleaning as I have been treating mine like a russian lady of the night and not immigrated I mean I'm in post cold war russia and the only person in the country with currency and looking for a good time kind of lady of the night
So I had this grand plan last night to live blog the last Cashew Milk hoping to share my moment of triumph with the great readers of this young blog. It would be glorious, I would head to the roof of my building and hear cheers across the city as if the Cubs finally took home the championship hardware.
Sidebar - I find that MLB: The Show commercial very polarizing. How so you ask? Well allow me:
This could be seen as the ultimate jinx. They are literally showing what it would be like to be in Chicago if the Cubs won it all. If this was the angle, then that is just incredibly cruel, like Emperor Commodus cruel.
In what could be seen as one of the most shrewd moves of the year, this could be an antijinx. At the end of the commercial, it turns out the whole celebration was just a tortured young Chicagoan playing a game. A single tear (Sad Indian Style) falls down his face. Perhaps Theo Epstien was behind this thing all along.
Back to the ruination of my grand plans. It turns out Tumblr had a separate, meaner agenda and decided to go down for at least 3 hours granting me no access to blog about my swashbuckling. I can only do so much, but I can in no way compete with the TumblBeasts. Things seem to be back up and running now so can appropriately put this juice cleanse to bed.
Yesterday was definitely the easiest of the three. I did however have an interesting bout of lightheaded-ness after chugging my last beet juice. About an hour later I had a meeting with a co-worked who apparently does some sort of cleanse or fast 2-3 times a year. This man claimed that he did an 8-day water only fast (@*!$&@!). Are you kidding me? How is that even possible? Absolutely no nutrients for 8 full days. I’m not calling him a liar (I know it’s a hulu video and has ads, GASP!…but watch, it’s classic SNL), but I find that very hard to swallow (much like the Cashew Milk! ZING!). He also claimed that he breaks his fasts with a large pizza. Right.
So I got home last night, smashed the last Cashew Milk which tasted slightly more like an actual human beverage, and ignored my hunger pangs with video games. I’ve actually been a bit on the anti-social side at home these days seeing that I’m crashing out around 9:00pm each night. So to Drew and Wags, I apologize for my cantankerous ways. Although a big thanks must go out to Drew for grilling up meat last nigh for dinner. He claims it was a mediocre budget steak, but I swear it smelled like a perfectly seared filet with grilled mushrooms and onions.
That brings us to right now, 9:00am on Thursday morning. As I drink the most delicious Jamba Juice smoothie in the history of the world, I realize that this was definitely a worthwhile experience. I don’t know if it’s worth the outrageous full asking price of $195 (thanks to Groupony goodness, I got it for $89), but I definitely do feel better overall. More energy, and just generally more healthy. Now I’m not an idiot (friends and family members are not allowed to comment), and i know that some of this is the placebo effect. But honestly, who cares? I did something good for my body and it feels like it had an effect. That’s good enough for me.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to order the entire Wendy’s menu.
Here we are. The final day. Unfortunately, real world work stuff got in the way so I haven’t been able to post until now so I’m sure you are all salivating with anticipation of the latest update.
Without further ado:
I’m going to do one combined update since nothing too exciting happened specific the individual juices I’ve thrown down.
I’ve already polished off a Green and a Cayenne Lemonade and excitingly enough, they are going down even easier on the third day. Even more exciting is that I’m finally starting to feel these “benefits” of doing juice cleanse. I wouldn’t say I feel super-fantastic-awesome, but I feel a lot better than Days 1&2. That being said, the one constant throughout this foray into the world of juice cleansing can be summed up in two words: “I’m Hungry”.
Seriously, I have been hungry pretty much every hour of the last 52. I woke up this morning with the biggest craving for Frosted Mini Wheats that I have ever experienced in my life. Don’t get me wrong, those little frosted biscuits (yes, they are called biscuits) are delightful, but not “I’d take a punch to the crotch for a bowl” tasty. While the juices taste better (except for that damn Cashew Milk), I still just want some solid, real-life food.
The girlfriend wrapped up her cleanse last night with her final glass of Pureed Chalk Cashew Milk. I admire her high spirits throughout her cleanse. We all know women are the pinnacle of emotional stability…but even so, she’s been a rockstar through this. She even claims that she could do this for a full 5-6 days. Well, you enjoy that train…I will see you on the other side with Rocks burger, curly fries and a Yuengling draft (imported from Ohio naturally).
As i wrap up this morning post, we are near the last gauntlet of this cleanse. Just one more lunch hour to get through and I’m on the home stretch. At this point, I’m convinced a Protein Bar representative is going to show up with free lunch for the entire office. Any takers?
I must be turning at least a small corner as I don’t feel like I’m 1 beer away from becoming this.
Although I must say that the Cashew Milk is mounting a strong second-half push for the top “tastes like ass” spot. At least my old dodgy friends Green and Beet have a faint refreshing quality to them. The milk just sits in my stomach and I swear I can feel it curdling. How’s that for a pre-bedtime image?
Seriously though, my stomach feels like it’s preparing for a battle of epic proportions. I’m waiting for one of my many belches to actually be the word “FREEEEEEDOOOOOOM” in Scottish Mel-Gibson voice.
Unfortunately that’s all you get for tonight (all 8 of you, my dear readers) as I need to mount up my strength for the final push. For tomorrow is Day 3 and I plan on throat chopping the shit out of it.
So I’ll admit that I’ve slacked a little bit today. It’s been almost 5 hours since I last posted which means I owe the world two juice updates. My sincerest apologies. Let’s get to it.
Round 2 with the Cayenne Lemonade. It’s official, this is the most palatable of all the juices. That’s probably because it (more or less) tastes like a normal human beverage. I would imagine those who get after spicy thai food or Blazin’ Bw3 wings would actually really like this fiery concoction. Unfortunately, I don’t fall into that camp. I only make it up to Spicy Garlic on that scale which barely crosses into the Orange-Red zone. It’s a bit embarrassing really.
Now it’s only two hours until that red bastard makes it way back into my digestive system. I’m watching you Beet Juice.
Current Mood/Inside the mouth situation:
There was no way to avoid it. The BAMF (not in a good way) of the juice group reared is ginger head once again. Fortunately enough, I can report that my second go-around with the Beet Juice was much better than yesterday.
However, it still falls at the worst possible time. It wasn’t nearly the street festival scene I dealt with yesterday, but that didn’t make it your average Paquette picnic. One of my colleagues decided to go a place called “Peppers” for lunch. Using my advanced Google-Fu techniques, I discovered this is more or less your average burger joint. But it’s not the burger that I’m after today. He had a side called “Loaded Baked Potato Fries” They basically looked like this but less healthy (if that’s even possible):
They are essentially fries covered in cheese, sour cream, bacon and scallions. I don’t even like sour cream…in fact (much to the chagrin of my friends and girlfriend), I hate it. But Sweet Lord those fries looked/smelled downright scrumtrulescent.
I went to bed last night assuming I wouldn’t wake to see the dawn. All hyperbole aside, last night I wasn’t feeling too wonderful. Yet…the sun rose again in spite of my constant bitching and moaning yesterday. Who would have thought?
At this point, I have to stroke the ego of the girlfriend at least a little bit. I do feel quite a bit better here on Day 2. Kicked off the day with my favorite green juice and it was actually palatable…and even maybe, just a little bit refreshing. She’s blazing the trail (one day ahead) and I’ll gladly follow. It’s sort of like I’m pre-Friday Night Lights Kyle Chandler.
There is one part of the green juice that I will never get past though. Flippin’ celery. Let me make this clear, the world’s supply of celery could succumb to a debilitating celery-only plague putting that useless vegetable on brink of extinction and I would slightly smirk, and move on with my life. Unfortunately, the green juice is full of that garbage and it lingers on the palate like a bad tequila shot.
Every time I tell people that I’m not on the celery bandwagon, I get odd looks and questions like: “you don’t like something that provides less calories than is required to consume it?!?!” My response every time.
Here’s to day 2. Keep on, keeping on.
*Because her name is “Hope”. Real clever right? I’m glad you agree.
Welp…day 1 is officially in the books as I just downed the latest and greatest juice: Cashew Milk. Maybe I’m slightly jaded by hunger pains and a strong desire to eat everything in our pantry, refrigerator and garbage…but this last juice basically tastes like mashed up cashews mixed with water and baking soda. Neat.
My always right girlfriend claims that the second day is better, here’s hoping she continues that trend because today was not exactly an enjoyable experience. I do trust her though and (all jokes aside) she’s usually right…most of the time.
Tonight brings an early bedtime seeing that I now have the energy levels of an elderly sloth. Maybe I’ll dream of delicious juices and a world in which “Beat Juice” doesn’t exist. And maybe those dreams will actually come true. And I just started a sentence with “And”…twice. Take that 3rd Grade Language Arts class!
I leave you with a saying a wise friend of mine often says:
Well we’re well into the heart of darkness now. No turning back once you hit green juice #2. Wait, check that…the only thing doing the hitting is mother f*cking green juice and it hits like semi-truck driven by a clydesdale.
What I’ve noticed in my second foray with GJ2 is that there is an insane amount of ginger. Seriously, next time you want a ludicrously expensive substitute for those weird ginger strips you get with sushi, drown that raw fish in the green menace.
Checked in with the girlfriend…she’s “feeling pretty good today!”. While that makes me happy (we all know you are only as happy as the woman in your life at any given time), it doesn’t help this headache or floating images of pasta and mexican food that I keep seeing.
So I actually started this idea 4 hours into the cleanse. Need to make up for lost time in this first post.
8:30am - Just hit the first drink…”The Green Drink”. Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine a nice hot summer day. Your Dad just asked you to mow the lawn. (It’s getting a bit high and the neighbors are pretentious douches who love to complain). Now imagine you just finished, but instead of emptying the bag of clippings into the trash, take those clippings and put them into a blender. Then add one slice of green apple. Enjoy.
10:30am - Just drank the Cayenne Lemonade. It’s literally lemonade that is spicy. The drink is basically your standard lemonade (sweetend with agave nectar of course - HEALTH!) with little red flakes of hate. I have dry cracked wintery lips and when this battery acid made contact…shit got real.
3-Day Juice Cleanse…for some inane reason unbeknownst to me, I have decided to embark on a 72 hour adventure of juicy goodness. Let’s set up the situation. In the days leading up to this Facebook Timeline “Life-Event”, I mentioned my upcoming date with healthiness to number a people. Most of the conversations were of the following varietal:
"You know that’s going to suck right?"
Yeah, I mean, I assumed it’s no picnic…
"You will basically smell like the bastard offspring of Pig-Pen and Swamp Thing"
Ummm what? I don’t even understand what my body odor has to do with this…
I did one back in college…I mean, it’s great and it’s soooo good for you. But you will hate your life. I seriously thought I was going to die. Actually, I did die…a little bit.
OK FINE! I get it. I will hate my life and continually attempt to resist urges to punch babies in the face and kick co-workers in the shins.
Why should you care about this? Well that is a good question faithful reader and one that has an equally good answer. While g-chatting today (a.k.a. America’s biggest time-sink) with my good friend Wags, he made the great suggestion to liveblog my wonderful “experiences” throughout the cleanse. The exact phrasing was:
speaking of fantastic, can you live blog your juice cleanse, highlighting hunger pains, intestinal distress, and terrible flavoring of the green one?
So for the next 72 hours, I’ll do my best to highlight specific moments of affliction, euphoria, enlightenment and general “What the shit was I thinking?” emotions. As a bonus to you at no extra cost, my lovely girlfriend is going through the same cleanse at the same time. You know that’s going to provide some good stuff. Stay tuned for all the potential shenanigans.
I will make subsequent posts here for each key moment throughout the next 3 days. I hope you enjoy it as much as I hate it.